Plungers, hammers, and nuts

This afternoon I was unexpectedly reminded (for reasons we will not be exploring here today) that our household does not have a plunger. Too embarrassed to ask the neighbors, and sorely disappointed that one did not magically appear when I closed my eyes and quickly swung open the broom closet door, I was forced to walk down to the local hardware store—wishing to complete this errand with as little fanfare as possible. 

 As soon as I enter the small store (a tidy, compact space with no windows, giving one the impression of being inside an anal retentive man's toolbox), I hear "...and if you put nuts on Mama, then that makes her Papa", followed by the type of laughter reserved only for men who have just said something vulgar while their wives aren't around. I immediately feel an odd sense of guilt for having overheard this men's-only-club-banter, but press on through the broom and rake aisle. While waiting for help and idly browsing their vast hammer selection (I need to get one for a secret-Santa gift), a lumberjack of a man slides up beside me and asks what type of hammer I'm looking for. I can tell he's not an employee and this makes me squint my eyes ever so slightly in suspicion. This "volunteer salesman" continues to discuss hammer features with me, but, since I'm not that well versed in tool-speak, I'm not sure if his conversation is laden with sexual innuendo, or if he's genuinely trying to help me find the right mallet. Finally, I'm approached by an actual clerk, find my plunger, and am at the checkout counter. Just when I think I'm home free, a Channel 2 News team walks in, video camera in hand. Instantly, nightmarish scenarios play out in my head: 

"Excuse me miss [microphone thrust in my face], what's that there you're buying? Oh, a plunger?—Hey, Tim, get a shot of the blond with the plunger!... So ma'am, what brings you in here for this today?" 

Mercifully, it turns out the news team was there to talk to the store owner about which supplies people may need to prepare for the alleged snowstorm this weekend, NOT to interview me, my plunger, and my hammer.